Humans are good at hedonically adapting to most material conditions. You get used to your house, your car, your clothes, your granite countertop, and your money. What humans are bad at hedonically adapting to is… other people. If you spend a lot of time around humans whose company you enjoy, you will probably be happy. If you spend a lot of time around human whose company you detest, you will probably be unhappy.* Over your lifetime, you will probably spend more time around your spouse than any other human. So while finding good friends and good co-workers is crucial for happiness, finding a good spouse is even more so…
The greatest mistake young people make, especially young males, is giving looks a high priority and personality a low priority. This is beyond foolish. If the most beautiful woman in the world has an ugly personality, you will be soon be miserable….If this sounds hard, I bring good news: If someone has tolerable looks and clearly likes you, you can often become physically attracted to them…
A good personality is your top priority, but what personalities are “good”?…look for partners who are: happy, rational, loyal, and self-disciplined – and avoid partners who are sad, emotional, fickle, and impulsive…
If you prefer the framework of the canonical Five Factor Model of personality:
First and foremost, strongly prefer partners with low Neuroticism (also known as high “Emotional Stability”)….
Secondly, strongly prefer partners with high Conscientiousness. Low Conscientiousness folks can be fun friends, but chiefly because you aren’t responsible for bailing them out of the messes they habitually get themselves into. And if you’re getting married in the first place, you should be with someone who takes the strictures of marriage seriously…
“High Agreeableness” people are “nice,” but they’re also unreasonable and emotional. You don’t really want a partner who is “nice to everyone”; you want a partner who singles you out as supremely deserving of nice treatment.
For the remaining two traits, Extraversion and Openness, your best bet is to find someone similar to yourself. Especially because these are the main traits that predict what activities you will enjoy: People who like big parties (typically high in Extraversion) should pair with other people who like big parties; people who like action movies (typically low in Openness) should pair with others who like action movies…
If you want kids, remember that virtually all traits are heritable. Always ask yourself, “Does this person have the traits I want my kids to have”? While you may joke, “I don’t want ugly kids,” there’s nothing funny about having kids with bad personalities.
Intelligence is not technically a “personality trait,” but it functions much the same. High intelligence is our best predictor of material success and many other desirable outcomes, but if the intelligence gap between partners is too high they won’t be compatible. Communication across a 20 IQ-point gap is too hard, and so is finding common interests.
While common interests are good, common values are better. The difference is hard to define, but easy to illustrate. Backpacking is an interest; desired family size is a value. I am always amazed by couples who have been together for years without discussing how many kids they hope to have…
It’s the marriage market. Don’t just think of yourself as a consumer, asking “How can I get what I want?” Simultaneously think of yourself as a producer, asking, “How can I be what she wants?” Thoughtful search and energetic self-improvement are two great things that go great together. Start by avoiding the standard human flaws of impulsivity, self-absorption, laziness, and self-pity, as well as the standard male flaws of faithlessness, insensitivity, machismo, and drunkenness. And yes, figure out what you want to do with your life…
My 11-year-old daughter vocally opposes changing yourself to better please the marriage market. “You’ve got to be true to yourself,” she declares, with poetic wisdom beyond her years. My reply: Sure, you should think twice – nay, thrice – about violating your conscience for romantic rewards. But what if the marriage market rewards changes that you yourself classify as self-improvement? When the marriage market rewards you for working hard, and you agree that you ought to adopt a better work ethic, hard work is “true to yourself.” We’re all flawed human beings, so you have plenty of room to self-improve with pride. And if women like you better as a result, that speaks well of them, not badly of you.
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