Cato has some interesting discussions on marriage this week. Coontz gives a nice history on how the role of marriage has evolved, while Stevenson and Wolfers use economics to explain what caused these changes. Here’s an widely quoted except from Stevenson and Wolfers:

So what drives modern marriage? We believe that the answer lies in a shift from the family as a forum for shared production, to shared consumption. In case the language of economic lacks romance, let’s be clearer: modern marriage is about love and companionship. Most things in life are simply better shared with another person: this ranges from the simple pleasures such as enjoying a movie or a hobby together, to shared social ties such as attending the same church, and finally, to the joint project of bringing up children. Returning to the language of economics, the key today is consumption complementarities — activities that are not only enjoyable, but are more enjoyable when shared with a spouse. We call this new model of sharing our lives “hedonic marriage”.

Reading these articles reminds me how much our views on marriage have changed. When I was young, it seems that getting married and raising children is a path everyone follows. But nowadays marriage and child bearing become much more optional. Sex before marriage is much more common and tolerated by society. Psychologists have found that raising children are very costly and is among the largest source of stress, quarrels, and unhappiness (on the other hand, married couple tend to be more happy and successful, or perhaps more happy and successful people tend to get married).

I currenlty also view marriage and child bearing as something optional. Having the right partner is much more important than ‘building a family’, and I probably prefer to marry than to remain single if finding the right partner (let’s not discuss what ‘right’ means for now as it’d easily go into love or something that’s even harder to pin down). Children for me are much less important than spouse, and I’m slightly tending toward not having them, but ultimately it should be something decided jointly by the couples. Timing is also not important for me. Many men I know prefer to focus on work first before getting married. Although I don’t think I will marry anytime soon, if I’m certain about someone I want to be with, marrying sooner or later (if at all) doesn’t make a difference for me. It’s also interesting to note that many philosophers in the past don’t marry. Perhaps they prefer solidarity or spending more time on intellectual pursuits. Or perhaps like me, their personality makes them hard to live with.

Following up on the New Year post, I still haven’t sorted out a clear plan. My aim is probably less about changing myself (as some of the previous entries might suggest), but more on discovering my preferences so I could align them with what I do.

Getting back to basic means spending time on activities I enjoy. For me, a lot of them are simple and inexpensive: play street ball once in a while (already got myself a basketball and found a court), draw, and maybe continue to dabble in guitar or saxophone (my landlord owns a nice classical guitar that I’d borrow whenever I want). Ideally I’d also try more different foods, read more broadly, see more places and take more photos.

Now the list seems to become unrealistic and most likely I won be able to do them all. Even if I can, I might not be satisfied if I’m not good at them. That’s why I still don’t know how best to spend my free time. I should probably take more risks and try more things, but also learn to stop doing things I don’t enjoy (not going to parties/drinks just because most people do it, stop movies/books/foods I don’t enjoy, etc.).

Relationship is another one of my weak spots. Socialization’s not something that comes naturally for me. But for now I guess I’ll focus on myself first. The key is to live life in a way that I could like myself more and move in the direction I want my life to go.

‘One can live magnificently in this world, if one knows how to work and how to love, to work for the person one loves and to love one’s work.’

Leo Tolstoy