Should I marry someone I love, or someone who loves me and can give me what I need? I think the answer depends on what type of person you are. The degree of love needed to keep a person happy and satisfied vary from person to person. There are those who wouldn’t mind marrying someone they don’t love but are decent enough and can give them what they want (stability, family, security, etc.) These people can find satisfaction or happiness in pursuits outside the relationship. The other type can’t tolerate marrying someone if they don’t feel there’s love involved (love’s hard to define but those people’d say they know it when it’s there).
Those who value love a lot will tend to fall into the first group, while those who don’t generally fall into the second. I don’t think either type of these people worries much about the ‘marry for love’ question as they know who they are and what they want. The people who are troubled by the question are probably those who can live either way: 1) their personality allows them to live rather happily either way even though they prefer love to no love, or 2) they don’t know themselves well enough to know what they want, or more likely 3) they fall into self-deception as they don’t really want to know and follow what they really want.
I’m probably the type who can live either way (that’s probably why I’m thinking about this question). But the more I think about it, the more I prefer the first type. Since being single is not that a big negative for me, I think I’ d rather stay alone than marry someone I’m just content with. But ideally I’d find someone whom I want to marry.
Po Ye suggested that I might idealize things too much or not open up enough (I’m probably also too conservative, rational, and not taken enough chances). I guess I still don’t know myself well enough and suffer some sorts of self-deception. How tolerate am I for a partner with different interests (I might not be as open to experience as I’d like myself to be)? How much do I want my partner to think of me as her top priority in life? How much disagreements and differences can I truly handle (it’d be easy to deal with friends but perhaps not with a partner)? What if preferences and personality clash (like career choice, what you want to do might not match your personality)?
It seems to me shared values, common interests and activities, similar level of intelligence, and compatible personality (doesn’t have to be similar but have to fit somehow) are some elements of a successful relationship. Besides that I think all love involves some forms of self-deception and irrationality. The challenge is to find a person who makes you think self-deception and irrationality are not such a bad thing after all.
Here’s my earlier post on marriage, Stevenson and Wolfers’ explanation of modern marriage still makes lots of sense to me.
Ryu's Blog 
Haha…this entry reminds me of your comment in Angi\’s blog in August 2007. I remember Angi and I discussed about "love" and "the right person" for marriage…and finally you came to reconcile our views.
"It seems to me shared values, common interests and activities, similar level of intelligence, and compatible personality (doesn\’t have to be similar but have to fit somehow) are some elements of a successful relationship."
—-this is quite the same as what I wrote at that time "我的想法是，我喜歡一個風趣的人，跟我差不多有相同愛好的，思想上能有所共鳴，沒有品質惡劣，也長得不是很難看，剛好也覺得我還不錯，這樣的話我認爲就是合適的對象…" and you pointed out "If your friend can find someone who fits the criteria she values, then it\’s likely that the relationship will have love in it as well"…If so, obviously you are the first type lar…
P.S. I agree with Angi and Po Ye. Capricorns idealize things too much, do too much analysis and are very stubborn…
I always thought I am the second type, then I came to realise I am the first type. Afterall, love involves luck and chances, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, be with someone we have feeling for, then we will better understand what you really want in a relationship. (my theory – not appliable to all)
What is irrationality? We behave in certain manner according to our emtionals which we can not explain by rational thinking. Love at its blossom is one form of irrationality afterall. But it will grown into a matured relationship, which I believe leads to marridge.
Hope you are well.
Hui Bin – That was a while ago when I don\’t know you yet. I remember both of you had thoughtful comments. I don\’t think it\’s good to analyse things too much in love as there are always more problems and imperfections to be found. It\’s good to know about our flaws so we\’d improve on them: turn them into a plus or try to limit their negative impact. By the way, is there something wrong with Angi\’s blog comment function? Don\’t think I can add comments anymore.
Ruoyi – Haven\’t heard from you for a while, how\’s everything in London? I agree that love involves luck and chances. Po Ye has a nice comment/poem in one of my earlier post on chances. I know I should take more chances (thinking about one of Carpenters\’ song now) and learn to trust my intuition/feelings more (taking a leap of faith doesn\’t seem to come naturally to me, but i think it\’s a good suggestion).
No matter who you choose to marry with, the one you love, the one who loved you, or the one who satisfies your need, life is short, and i believe one day you will find the answer, time will prove it. I still base on my same concept of the life which is, life is destinated, what will be it will be. just watch out that you dont get alone until you are old (which there are huge possibilities due to your extraordinary personalities). haha.. Anyway, lifes short dude, live it to the max and do what ever you enjoy while you can.
i really like your writing can u please add me as friend i will send u an invite i would really like a person who i can talk to and understandi would really enjoy talking to you