A close relative just passed away. She’s a half sister of mine and helped me a lot every time I go back to Bangkok. I like her, but why is it that I don’t seem to feel sad when I hear the news? I feel sorry for her young children and close relatives. And given a choice, I wouldn’t want the event to happen. But is that all I should be feeling?
Maybe I’m a cold-hearted person, not being able to feel much for others. Or maybe I don’t see life as important as I used to. I used to be afraid of dying as it makes all the things I’ve strive for, experiences I’ve had, and memories I’ve treasured worthless. But now I see life and death as a much more random and superfluous thing. A terror attack might just happen tomorrow and changes everything in my life.
How will I feel if everyone I value disappears? Will I just go on living and adapt to the new situation? Or will I feel differently from what I feel now? It’s scary to contemplate the thought that everything we think is important in life might not really be that important to us, that everything is just an illusion we created to help us go through life more easily.
Don’t know why I’d want to post this entry online as it might scare some new friends away or get some old friends worried. But at least I can use my cold as an excuse this time. Since I can’t concentrate on any serious study now, why not come up with some weird thoughts.
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