I’ve been feeling dissatisfied with myself and my surrounding lately and thinking about reverting to an old self—someone who remains detaches to people and things and focus mainly on achieving goals. Just when I’m deciding to take this easy way out, a movie (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0332639/), a mail, and a painting session hit me like a wave and remind me of my ideal kind of life. I guess I’m still an idealist at heart (not the philosophical meaning of idealist, but just someone who believes in certain kind of ideal life being possible). I believe in certain kind of beauty in life–a beauty that is natural yet perfect. I’m searching for an understanding and comfort with the world, a passion and dreams that align me with the world, and some preciousness in life that are simple and free of all artificiality.
What can I do if I’m unsatisfied with life? Should I try to change myself or my view of the world? Or should I try to change the world or my surrounding instead? Or should I just compromise or find ways to adapt?
Even though I’ll continue trying to better myself, I think there’re parts in me that are hard to change either because I don’t have enough will or because deep down inside I don’t find it worthwhile to change. And I don’t have the high aspiration to change the world or the surrounding either. I also think the problem lies less with the world or other people than with me. But I guess the worst thing is to live a compromised life that’s either full of dissatisfaction or pretension to be happy.
At this moment, I think of myself as a seed. Although I can’t control how it’ll turn out to be, I can try to take care of it conscientiously to maximize its chance of growing. I can also try to find a ground, a soil, a surrounding that this seed can flourish. This place may not exists, but being an idealist, I’d want to believe there’s such a place where with constant care and effort, this little seed can survive and grow to be a magnificent tree that live harmoniously with the world and its surrounding.
Ryu's Blog 
"I believe in certain kind of beauty in life–a beauty that is natural yet perfect. I’m searching for an understanding and comfort with the world, a passion and dreams that align me with the world, and some preciousness in life that are simple and free of all artificiality. " <==This is actually what I\’m thinking about right now. Somehow I do believe that there is a world that is so beautiful, like a painting, where every nice thing just comes and surrounds me without my wish and asking. But to live in a world like that may also indicate that we have to abandon certain things in my life. Things like confusion, fear, lack of drives…and all that..and it is almost impossible to get away from these things because funny enough I\’m now feeling confused again.
I guess what I need now is an answer.