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Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

I received a free acrylic painting session after dining at an art-themed restaurant. The restaurant has an art room that provides canvases, paints, and brushes, but unfortunately, it does not offer instruction.

This was my first time trying acrylic painting. I did some quick research to get a sense of how best to proceed. Partly due to time constraints, and partly my lack of patience, the result was not as good as I had envisioned. But it was a good experience. It captures my first attempt at acrylic painting and the many hours I have spent with my boy on the basketball court.

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My son has his first volleyball tournament recently. Even though his team didn’t win a match, making some nice plays still gave him a sense of satisfaction. He is competitive and doesn’t take losing well. The more he wants to win, the harder it is for him to control his temper and perform at his best. My hope is that as he matures, he will learn to see these moments as part of the process of improving and reaching his potential. Many people are competitive and want to win, but not everyone can manage their emotions, learn from setbacks, and bounce back stronger.

“Does losing prove that you are weak? Isn’t losing difficult for all of you? A challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again? If you stay on your hands and knees, that proves that you are weak.”
― Ittetsu Takeda

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I had my first overseas trip with my younger son. Since he’s athletic and into sports, we did a lot of outdoor activities together. We revisited several hiking trails we used to do when he was younger, but this time at a different pace and with a quiet awareness of how much he has grown.

We also played a lot of basketball. The streetball culture in Hong Kong gave us opportunities to play with many different people, ranging from high school and university students to working adults and retired ‘uncles’.

Thanks to our active lifestyle of walking nearly 30,000 steps per day, we could indulge in the rich and delicious local food and snacks without guilt.

Hong Kong remains a lively city, easy to navigate, and highly efficient. We easily fit VR gaming, a live show, and visits to anime and sports shops into our schedule. It’s the kind of place where variety compresses into convenience.

Overall, the trip felt simple yet meaningful, with shared activities, small moments, and a sense of progression for both of us.

P.S. This is my first trip in decades where I haven’t had to constantly check work emails or keep up with what’s happening around the world. It has significantly reduced my mental stress and helped me feel more mindful and less rushed.

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Most of us would like to have great relationships with our kids. We are familiar with the basic advice: love our kids unconditionally, put relationship first, spend time with them, empathize and be kind, believe in them and help them fulfill their potential. But putting this advice into practice can be challenging.

One reason is that some of these principles may conflict with each other. For example, balancing unconditional love with helping them reach their potential, or finding a balance between having fun and maintaining order. Should parents allow their kids to experiment with different projects, even if they create a mess at home (or just create a mess for fun)? This could foster creativity and provide an opportunity for everyone to have fun. But for parents who prefer order and cleanliness in their daily routine, and have limited time to supervise or assist with cleanup, this can affect their well-being.

Loving someone unconditionally is hard. Sometime it feels like we are having the same conversations a thousand times, and they continue with the same bad habits. Or what if they refuse to listen to feedback, even when deliver in a well-intentioned, calm manner? Can we love unconditionally when someone consistently behaves in ways we don’t like? For adults, we can choose to spend more time with people we like and avoid others. But with our kids, we don’t have that option. We want our kids to be people we like. Hence even if we know it’s often futile to try to change someone, we still try to shape our kids’ behavior.

Parents can get annoyed or angry by different triggers, such as slamming doors, poor hygiene, mistreating belongings, rudeness, complaining, lying, or engaging in bullying or physical aggression. Some of these character issues require serious attention. But often what we really care about is obedience and respect from our kids.

If having a good relationship is most important, the ideal approach seems to remind them calmly and kindly each time. Punishment usually doesn’t work. Sometime we punish our kids for trivial things, regret it later (as punishments usually benefit no one), but feel obligated to carry them out to maintain consistency and credibility. If our aim really is to help them improve, we should come up with punishments that aid their development.

An ideal parent can strike a balance, to be both loving and accepting, while guiding their kids to become their best selves. Fortunately, being a good enough parent is often good enough. Despite my weaknesses, my kids still seem to enjoy spending time with me. And I like the ideas that there’s room for me to improve and become a better dad.

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I haven’t closely followed sports since my high school days. But with my boys getting more into basketball, we are starting to follow NBA games and attend local sporting events. Playing basketball with them has become one of my favorite activities, and I also enjoy watching and discussing games with them.

It’s interesting to see which teams and players they support. It seems our level of tribalism is, to a large extent, determined by our genes. My elder son doesn’t have a strong preference which team he likes (he tends to like everyone), while my younger son has a strong “us vs. them” mentality, hating teams that beat the ones he likes, and even treating enemies of his enemies as friends.

I’m probably somewhere in between. I remember feeling more tribal during my high school years when I wanted to establish an identity and be loyal to certain people. As I’ve grown older, I’ve found many of these distinctions to be artificial.

However, my experience with my boys has changed my thinking. Instead of wasting time, I now see sports as a way to bond and connect with people, to learn about culture, and to be inspired by great performers. The more knowledgeable I become, the more interesting it is to follow a sport’s development. Being tribal isn’t necessary, but like a bit of alcohol, it can make the experience with others more fun.

I used to care mainly about my own improvement and less interested in following other famous stars. I still think it’s more satisfying to gradually improve my skills than passively watching others. But it’s also exciting to watch young people with dreams and potential still ahead of them work hard and strive towards their goals.

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Kids are a source of wonders, but also frustrations.

Traveling with young kids can be extremely taxing, but they also create great memories.

Luckily, in most cases we tend to remember the good times, and forget the daily frustrations.

Or in Kahneman’s terms, our experienced self might feel stressed, but our remembering self will thank us for creating those special memories.

I often remind myself to take a long view, focusing on building good relationships while downplaying the daily, short term stuff that annoys me. But it’s easier said than done.

It’s a constant challenge.

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We know relationship is ultimately what matters. So why do we get impatient so easily? No tolerance for incompetence or laziness? Helping others to develop better habits or to improve? All these might be legitimate reasons, but often they are self-serving. And usually they don’t facilitate long term behavior change and just worsen relationship. So less shaming and punishment, and more love and kindness.

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Interesting article arguing against sending kids to top schools. I’m sympathetic to some of the author’s views and think it’s better for kids to 1) focus less on grades and career prospects and more on learning and personal development, 2) take more risks and worry less about failing,  and 3) mix with people from different background and social class, including those from lower incomes. At the same time, I don’t think we can deny that there are many benefits from studying in top institutions. As I noted previously, today’s education system is like an arms race. I don’t like it but nevertheless need to find a path that I think will be best for my children.

Some excerpts below. The whole article is interesting.

A young woman from another school wrote me this about her boyfriend at Yale:

Before he started college, he spent most of his time reading and writing short stories. Three years later, he’s painfully insecure, worrying about things my public-educated friends don’t give a second thought to, like the stigma of eating lunch alone and whether he’s “networking” enough. No one but me knows he fakes being well-read by thumbing through the first and last chapters of any book he hears about and obsessively devouring reviews in lieu of the real thing. He does this not because he’s incurious, but because there’s a bigger social reward for being able to talk about books than for actually reading them.

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So extreme are the admission standards now that kids who manage to get into elite colleges have, by definition, never experienced anything but success. The prospect of not being successful terrifies them, disorients them. The cost of falling short, even temporarily, becomes not merely practical, but existential. The result is a violent aversion to risk. You have no margin for error, so you avoid the possibility that you will ever make an error. Once, a student at Pomona told me that she’d love to have a chance to think about the things she’s studying, only she doesn’t have the time. I asked her if she had ever considered not trying to get an A in every class. She looked at me as if I had made an indecent suggestion.

There are exceptions, kids who insist, against all odds, on trying to get a real education. But their experience tends to make them feel like freaks. One student told me that a friend of hers had left Yale because she found the school “stifling to the parts of yourself that you’d call a soul.”

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Let’s not kid ourselves: The college admissions game is not primarily about the lower and middle classes seeking to rise, or even about the upper-middle class attempting to maintain its position. It is about determining the exact hierarchy of status within the upper-middle class itself. In the affluent suburbs and well-heeled urban enclaves where this game is principally played, it is not about whether you go to an elite school. It’s about which one you go to…

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The major reason for the trend is clear. Not increasing tuition, though that is a factor, but the ever-growing cost of manufacturing children who are fit to compete in the college admissions game. The more hurdles there are, the more expensive it is to catapult your kid across them. Wealthy families start buying their children’s way into elite colleges almost from the moment they are born: music lessons, sports equipment, foreign travel (“enrichment” programs, to use the all-too-perfect term)most important, of course, private-school tuition or the costs of living in a place with top-tier public schools. The SAT is supposed to measure aptitude, but what it actually measures is parental income, which it tracks quite closely. Today, fewer than half of high-scoring students from low-income families evenenroll at four-year schools.

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Worldly Philosopher: The Odyssey of Albert O. Hirschman. Hirschman lived an extraordinary life. He’s an intellect with original ideas and on-the-ground experience as well as talents to make the most out of life. His Exit, Voice, Loyalty still provides a useful framework for me to think about things.

Pleasure disappoints, possibility never!

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Being open to many possibilities meant accepting uncertainty and embracing the fact that one could learn from experience in the world by forfeiting presumptions that one could not know it all.

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Hirschman’s odyssey can be read as a journey with no particular end, the life of an idealist with no utopia because he believed that the voyage of life itself yielded enough lessons to change who we are and what we aspire to be; to require and stay on course toward an abstract destination threatened to deprive the journey of its richest possibilities.

The Up Side of Down: Why Failing Well Is the Key to Success. Many good advice from Megan. I clearly suffer from the impostor syndrome. Here‘s Megan on EconTalk.

The fear of being unmasked as the incompetent you “really” are so common that it actually has a clinical name: impostor syndrome.

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The metaphor for our age is the disappearance of high monkey bars from playgrounds across the country. We have made it impossible for children to fall very far–and in so doing, we have robbed them of the joys of climbing high.

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Dweck encourages parents and teachers to praise children for their effort, rather than their intelligence, talent, or looks.

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As anyone who has raised a kid can attest, the same is true of children: swift and consistent punishment is by far the best way to change behavior…Consistency is probably the most important tool of parenting.

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Learning to fail well means learning to understand your mistakes, because unless you know what went wrong, you may do the wrong things to correct it…Most of all, learning to fail well means overcoming our natural instincts to blame someone–maybe ourselves–whenever something goes wrong. Societies and people fail best when they err on the side of forgiveness. Not forgetting: the information gained by failing is far too valuable to be lost by pretending that nothing happened.

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The secret to catching your mistakes quickly is simple: treat outside information as if it were inside information. When someone tells you you’re off track, don’t look for reasons why they may be wrong; listen for reasons why they might be right.

Rethinking Housing Bubbles: The Role of Household and Bank Balance Sheets in Modeling Economic Cycles. The authors’ main argument seems to be that asset bubbles in durable goods (housing in particular), when financed with excessive debt, have been the main driver of US business cycles. I wish they had focused more on the insights gained from experiments and how well they fit with historical events, or ways we could apply those insights to analyse various situations.

 

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Stephen Levitt’s on parenting:

Passion and curiosity are two qualities he hopes to instil in his children, who range in age from 10 to 14. “A lot of parents emphasise achievement, but I think that’s the wrong approach. Almost every kid knows how to read and do math, but when I look at my students, what separates the truly exceptional ones is a combination of creativity and excitement for life,” he says. “Very early on I made my goal not to have my kids be really good readers or really good at math but instead to try to instil in them this idea of thinking and excitement of pursuing what they love.”

I’m looking forward to read his new book.

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